As a writer, I have been thinking of so much I could say. As a mom, I’ve been overwhelmed, and not sure how down deep and personal to be.
As A Citizen…
As most of you are well aware, this nation-wide, and pretty much world-wide quarantine is less than ideal. No one could have anticipated this happening in our world today.
Our world has technology, several have access to medical care, and the ability to travel anywhere in the world in record time.
Why would a pandemic be a problem?
As a Christian, I truly believe God is using this time of uncertainty and chaos, to bring peace, hope, and strengthen our faith.
We are most secure when we dwell in the safety of our shelter and fortress, our Almighty God.
As A Mom…
For me and my family, this period of isolation has been both a blessing and a curse.
Right before this virus disrupted our lives, I had confessed to my husband a specific concern.
I was so worried we would be sucked into the busyness that comes with each spring season. Sports, drama, graduations, concerts, outdoor activities, and whatever else you can think of.
However, because of the Corona virus and the mandatory quarantine, our schedules are wiped clean from last week, until the foreseeable future. I never imagined my prayer would be answered like this.
In addition, I have been struggling with maintaining my relationship with my school-age kids. For so long, I have been home with them, and having all the time in the world.
Deep in my heart, I miss that so much, but God has not led me to homeschool at this time.
Now, I again have all the time in the world with all of my children, this side of Heaven.
I am thankful God has heard the desires of my heart, and is redeeming this time with my kids.
So I choose to see this time as a gift from God.
To be transparent, I am not going to sit here and pretend this time in our world is not scary, unsettling, and discouraging.
Yet, I never imagined it would be a grief trigger, for my son in Heaven.
For me, the mere suggestion or possibility I could lose any of my children, or my husband, took my breath away. This fear caught me dead in my tracks, and I wept with sorrow.
I have no more control now over life and death, than I did almost four years ago.
Our pastor’s sermon this morning really challenged my heart. Storing up possessions doesn’t provide security, only God can do that for us. True peace can only come from the God of peace Himself.
I can’t stop our family from getting sick.
I can’t prevent my family from dying from the virus, let alone any other cause.
I can’t make toilet paper appear out of thin air, just because we ran out! (Yes, a little humor to lighten the mood.)
God is God, not me. God is in charge, not me. God has everything under control, and I have nothing under control, in my own power and strength.
Everything we have is God’s, but He loves us so much, He gives us everything we need.
Yes, I said NEED not WANT really bad or WANT because someone else has it.
As a Christian, as a citizen, as a wife, as a mom, and as a writer, I urge you to take a stand in your heart and mind.
Choose peace. Choose to trust God will take care of you. Choose to find joy in the blessings of today, not live in fear of tomorrow.
Choose Jesus Christ as your Savior, and you will never regret it, for eternity!
PRAY, PRAY, PRAY church! Don’t lose hope! We serve an all-powerful, mighty, loving God.
Ephesians 3:14-21 ESV
“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,
that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being,
so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith–that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.”
Hebrews 2:1 ESV
“Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.”
2 Chronicles 7:11-16 ESV
“Thus Solomon finished the house of the LORD and the king’s house. All that Solomon had planned to do in the house of the LORD and in his own house he successfully accomplished.
Then the LORD appeared to Solomon in the night and said to him: “I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place for myself as a house of sacrifice. When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command the locust to devour the land, or send pestilence among my people,
if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways,
then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.
Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayer that is made in this place. For now I have chosen and consecrated this house that my name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will be there for all time.”
Proverbs 3:5-12 ESV
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
Honor the LORD with your wealth and with the firstfruits of all your produce; then your barns will be filled with plenty, and your vats will be bursting with wine.
My son (to King Solomon from his dad, King David), do not despise the LORD’s discipline or be weary of his reproof, for the LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.”
Hooray! My first ever book release party is in the books!
First, I want to give a special thank you and shout out to Eric and Kristen Meeter, owners of Pressed Studio + Store in downtown Spencer. You both were an amazing couple to work with, and am so thankful for your wisdom, guidance, and hospitality.
Second, I want to thank Bri Schubert, owner of Bri Lifestyle Photography, for capturing the evening on film. Those pictures to come later, but so thankful for her willingness to be a part of the night.
Last but not least, I want to thank my friends and family, as well as everyone else who was in attendance. As the author, I was so blessed to see the faces of those who the book will be impacting and I pray it is a blessing to each and everyone who reads it.
As I reflect on the events of last night’s book release party, I find myself both joyous and thankful, as well as resistant and distant to God. Let me explain why.
The Due Date
As some of you know, yesterday was not only the book release party, but it was also my son’s due date, three years ago. Some asked if I did this on purpose, but I myself didn’t realize it until after the event had been scheduled.
When I realized the common date, I felt this sense of awe and deep sadness. What a better way to honor his memory, on his due date anniversary, than to share his story, our story, to those who need it most.
As a grieving mom, I am so thankful for the growth and healing that has taken place since then.
Vulnerable to Resentment
Yet, there is still part of me that is vulnerable, angry, and resentful. Just because I published a book about my experience, does not mean I stopped struggling with these feelings.
No matter how much I’ve already written about our miscarriage, it still stings. No matter how many times I’ve poured my heart and soul out, sharing with someone, there is still a somberness that remains. Can anybody relate?
Have in Common
As I was talking to several women and couples at the signing, I began to see a pattern among their experiences.
Not so Comforting Words
First, words from others can be more hurtful than helpful. If you haven’t been through it, don’t pretend to understand. Don’t try to fix it – because let’s face it, you’re not God – and you can’t.
Never assume it’s anyone’s fault but Satan, the deviser of evil, destruction, death, and despair. Who are you to know the true reason a baby dies? Who are you to yoke someone in despair, with an impossibly heavy burden?
From many women I’ve talked to, several have made comments about their husbands or significant other’s reaction to the miscarriage.
Sadly, many say their husband dismisses it and disregards the wife’s feelings about the loss of their child.
After talking to my husband on several occasions, I have some compassion for these dads. My husband explained he didn’t get a chance to bond with our son. As such, his grieving looked much different than mine, and lasted much less time.
However, I urge husbands to have compassion on your wives. Don’t push her away because you are afraid to be vulnerable with her, or to seem weak. She needs to see you are hurting, so she knows she isn’t alone. You are the father, you are the only one she can truly share this baby with, and the loss of them.
To be honest, I have struggled for weeks with anxiety and worrying about this release party. Not because of anything circumstantial, but simply because of my inner struggle.
Yesterday, I was finally about to put that to rest. Those who attending the party blessed me with their stories and support. I am truly thankful for the treasure God produced out of our tragedy.
*I dedicate the party and this post to our son. We love you Sweetheart!*
For those of you who’ve been following my writing and publishing journey, of The Miscarriage Project, I have exciting news!!
After a three-and-a-half-year long journey, The Miscarriage Project is finally published and to purchase, as of yesterday!!
Behind the Cover
Here is the official Cover Reveal for my special blog readers:
It may seem a bit simplistic, but that is how I intended it to be. I didn’t want to trigger anyone who might read the book, with anything too sentimental or graphic.
Instead, the idea came to me of the three hearts, you see above.
Red & Black Hearts
The red heart signifies the life of the child, but also the love of the parents for the child. The black heart signifies the death of the child, as well as the grief, pain, and loss experienced by the parents.
However, my favorite heart is the gold heart, which signifies the eternal life with Jesus that child has, as well as the hope parents can have in Jesus Christ, their ultimate Healer and Comforter.
I Have a Story…
Since God gave me this idea for the cover, rich with symbolism, an awesome coincidence happened.
While I was running an errand for a friend, in an office, I spotted something – and what do you suppose I saw?
You got it! Three hearts, colored with the exact three colors you see above! This decoration had an arrow through it, which looked quite exciting in my opinion.
Words of Wisdom
However, after consulting some trusted people in my life, I decided to not include the arrow, because it may give the wrong message.
I though it would be neat, because the Bible talks about children being like arrows in the quiver of a warrior, and I loved the symbolism there .
Even though we lost these children, their lives still matter and matter for God’s eternal kingdom.
Although, to others, it may represent their death and pain, and that was not what I wanted for my readers.
My vision for this book is to help as many parents as possible!
Here’s how you can help:
1 – First and foremost, you can pray. Pray for the book to reach the people who so desperately need it. Pray it is a comfort for them.
2 – Purchase a book for yourself or a friend. This way, you can share this wonderful resource and pass the word, so the book can reach farther than we can imagine! Here is the current link to purchase the book:
God is so amazing! He even worked out for a friend I met through B.S.F. (Bible Study Fellowship) last year, to contact me. It just so happens she works for our local hospital’s OB department, and is in charge of their bereavement services.
Thanks be to God!
Can I get an Amen to that?! I am so beyond blessed by God’s faithfulness and I pray our pain and sorrow can ease someone else’s.
Thank you for your prayers and support through this journey! I am so excited to see God’s impact with this book and how He will transform lives for the glory of His name.
No one likes to admit it, but this month is significant for many reasons.
Personally, I am not a Halloween celebrator. However, I think it is fitting to remember the death of our children during such a dark time in our culture’s celebrations.
Officially, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. In the UK, they devote an entire week, called Baby Loss Awareness Week.
This month brings such a swirl of emotions. I miss my baby, but then I wouldn’t have on of my daughters.
I didn’t want to write about miscarriage, but that’s what God has called me to do.
Too many women have lost children. Too many women haven’t had the chance.
Too many dads never knew their child. Too many dads lose the mom’s heart, because they are consumed by grief.
BOLD & Beautiful
I don’t understand the logic that excuses women to take their child’s life.
However, I realize how disillusioned they have become. The weight of this guilt is not bore on the mother and father alone.
On that subject, the movie Unplanned recently came out. I commend those involved in the production, for being bold and brave enough to shed the light of truth on this dark issue.
I have heard great things about this movie, but I have been cautioned by caring people, it would be too much for me.
Maybe someday, I will have the courage, and be at a place to stomach viewing it. Yet, I won’t watch it alone.
Miscarriage was traumatic, to say the least.
Though I very much support the Pro-Life cause, witnessing the graphic deaths of other children could put me over the edge.
Does anyone else relate to what I’m saying?
Initially, I remember feeling so guilty!
Guilty because I didn’t feel ready to have another baby. Guilty because I exercised too much. Guilty because I ate the wrong thing. Guilty because I took antibiotics, when I was sick, and didn’t yet know I was pregnant.
In order to move on, we must throw off the baggage of guilt. We must fight to see the silver lining and not let Satan torture us with what ifs.
BOLD & Beautiful
Lean on Jesus to help you heal. You can be furiously angry, but God did not kill your baby. We live in a broken world, fully of death and disease, destruction and loss – He did not create it that way.
Instead, choose to hope in a new tomorrow. Choose to move forward, holding your precious baby in your heart forever.